well I can't set my house on fire every night
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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