The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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