i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
