Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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