Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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