Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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