I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize