If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize