I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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