So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
