wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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