I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize