This is not my ceiling
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize