I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
