I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
