woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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