Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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