Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
