when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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