I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
