I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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