We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
