She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
