The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Come see our sink grown plant.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
