So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
cat food counts as protein by the way
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
