I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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