i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
