I wanna bring you to show and tell
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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