i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
