I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
