I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
