you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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