My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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