I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
