Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize