my phone needs a breathalizer
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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