dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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