When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
