Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
