Do you still have your period?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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