if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
