in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
