I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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