I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
