When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
