i just sent this text using only my big toe
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
