I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You were trust falling into bushes
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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