i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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