Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
