Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I love you.
Bad choice
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize