i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
