I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
