good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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