In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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