got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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