Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
