sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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