Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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