I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
