Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Jerry, you need to find god
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
