I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize