i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
