Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She said her name was "party"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
